Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I touched a dick in church today
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
