I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
