i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
