she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
