My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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