I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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