I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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