Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
