turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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