I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
