i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
