I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
