If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
