Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
