apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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