Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
