end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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