She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
