I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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