my phone needs a breathalizer
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
