There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
vagina is talking i cant
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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