The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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