I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
