Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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