I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
