You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
