I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
