I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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