im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
