i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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