I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
