I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
