I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
