Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
