So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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