Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
