I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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