3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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