smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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