I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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