I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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