So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
