They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
