you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
