You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
