It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
sarcasm needs its own font
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
