I'm going to jail i love you
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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