I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
