Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
