New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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