Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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